Manage Self: Know the Story Others Tell About You
by Ed O'Malley
(Possible alternate intro submitted by Thane)
Think about where you work, the committee you are on, your extended family, the group you associate with most. I bet there is probably this one person that just makes you mad as can be at times. You know who I am talking about. They infuriate you to no end. They just don’t get it (whatever it happens to be). When you say ‘A’ they say ‘B.’ They just don’t get you. Do you know, you are ‘that’ person to someone else? You infuriate someone. You don’t get someone else’s IT. You are pretty good at saying ‘B’ when they say ‘A.’ A bit humbling, right?
(Original intro) Don’t you wish you could be in the room when the cast members from The Bachelor, Survivor or The Real Housewives of whatever watch the final produced version of their reality show? It must be fascinating as they watch how they are portrayed. During the reunion shows – when cast members come back to reflect on the experience – it’s common to hear them say things like, “well, that’s just how they portrayed me, they didn’t show you this and this and that…”
In “reality” we are all a lot like those cast members. We have one version of how we see ourselves, but unfortunately the story we tell ourselves isn’t always the same story others tell. It’s as if we all are starring in our own movie about ourselves! We write and view the movie in our head and at the end we always give the main character – ourself – a standing ovation. Now, imagine you’re just a character in someone else’s show. They’re the star and you simply play a supporting role. Are you the villain? Aloof? A key ally? Dependable? Dispensable?
You’ll be more effective in exercising leadership if you can imagine the stories others tell about you. How do they experience you? And, given that, how might they respond to your leadership efforts? How should you engage them based on what you know?
For most of us, we are the hero in our own story. We go to bed at night satisfied that we’ve done the best we could. It may be a surprise to you, but you aren’t the hero in everyone else’s story. Knowing how others perceive you – or being able to imagine how they might perceive you – helps you be more effective. You can better adapt to the situation and experiment more wisely.
So what do you do with these stories once you know them? One thing that’s for sure, is we are not saying you should go out and change everything about yourself. Afterall, this concept is called “know the story others tell about you” not “know the story others tell about you and change.” It is all based on the idea that by better knowing the stories others tell about you, you will then be able to better manage yourself and therefore be more effective at exercising leadership.
We believe you wouldn’t be reading this book however, if you felt like something, either within yourself, or your organization, needed to change. So, let’s say you find out all of the stories other tell about you or your organization. And maybe, something resonates with you. Maybe you hear something that is a barrier between you and working with those around you? Sometimes, a change may be warranted. For example, in learning about all of the stories others have to say about you, let’s say you realize that one thing getting in the way of making progress is that you’re not very articulate when speaking in front of groups. You clam up and start talking in circles leaving everyone in the room thinking you’re not only unprepared but incompetent, both of which you know deep down to be untrue. This is something you can enhance your skills around. You can join toastmasters or take a public speaking class and get coached on how to be more effective. This is a change that may be beneficial.
For a contrary example though, let’s say that after learning about the stories others tell about you, you hear from others that you expect too much and come across as competitive with your colleagues. People around you end up feeling like you are just trying to be better than them. Deep down you know this is all based on your passion for the work and to be part of something successful, but again, this resonates as a barrier for how others are interacting with you. This time you feel like this is just who you are, and not something you are willing to compromise in order to feel more liked by others. In this case, you may not decide to change who you are, afterall, that may be what has helped you to get where you are today, but you might decide that you need to do a better job communicating with others about your passion for the project and how much you care about the people you get to work with. You may even spend some time with the people who shared this story with you working on projects or getting to know each other away from when the stakes feel really high.
How do you learn the stories others tell about you?
- Use a formal 360 assessment tool, such as the For the Common Good 360.
- Solicit direct feedback about situations. Ask things such as: What could I do better in this situation? What’s my part of this mess? If you could change one thing about me related to this issue/challenge/situation, what would it be?
- Watch for indirect feedback. Is it friendly or off-putting? Pay attention to body language and the song beneath their words. What are they not saying?
- Use your imagination. Get creative. Think of multiple ways someone could view you in the situation.
Four things to keep in mind when seeking feedback about the stories people tell about you
- Ground your question in a situation. (“Sam, at the community event on Thursday, how do you think I was perceived?”)
- Embed in your questions the acknowledgement that you are imperfect. (“I know I lots of room for improvement. Maybe you can help. What I’m wondering is…”)
- Grant them permission to be frank with you. (“I would really like your honest feedback…”)
- Communicate your purpose. (“This is important to me because I’m trying to help move us forward on _______ and knowing how I’m perceived will help me.”)
Q and A
Question: I have been retired for the past three years after serving as the Executive Director of a well-known not for profit for 15 years. After spending some time away, I have been asked to come back as a volunteer. I sense I might run into some challenges like being the former E.D. or on the other end of the spectrum, being resigned to the role of “retiree.” I really care about the cause, so what do I need to consider before jumping back into service?
Answer:
What History Tells Us
Inspiration
“The same way that you are the main character of your story, you are only a secondary character in everybody else’s story.” ~Miguel Angel Ruiz
Resources
Song: You’re So Vein by Carly Simons
Our Next Book 
Needs a some more on the why this is important – some application. Also needs some specific examples/stories to relate to.
Once you know the stories others tell about you, then what? What do you do with that knowledge? Are they supposed to change? Act differently? Keep moving forward?
The Bachelor, Survivor or The Real Housewives – I admit to not watching those shows. So the story doesn’t connect as well with me.
An alternate start…
Think about where you work, the committee you are on, your extended family, the group you associate with most. I bet there is probably this one person that just makes you mad as can be at times. You know who I am talking about. They infuriate you to no end. They just don’t get it (whatever it happens to be). When you say ‘A’ they say ‘B.’ They just don’t get you. Do you know, you are ‘that’ person to someone else? You infuriate someone. You don’t get someone else’s IT. You are pretty good at saying ‘B’ when they say ‘A.’ A bit humbling, right?
Regarding Inspiration – Christ often asked others ‘who do you say that I am’
Another angle might be driving and the concept of the ‘blind spot’
What’s missing for me is how we not just solicit those stories for ourselves, but how we can share stories with others (not out of knee-jerk reaction either), but with intention and purpose to help them.
My assumption is people are weak at both hearing alternative stories and sharing alternative stories. We might do it as a parking lot conversation or face to face when we get mad and it comes out a bit harsh. How do we get past our own Kansas nice, so that we can help others make progress too?